| | I've been stumbling across FAR too many food journals, posts about wanting to have eating disorders, or posts discriminating against people with eating disorders on Xanga. It's time that people stopped sugar-coating these disorders. You want anorexia? You think that will make you happy? Is thin everything when it only lasts a couple months until your kidneys fail?
I want everyone to read this post. People with food journals, people who hate their body, people who love their body, people who want to have an eating disorder, people who do have an eating disorder. I'm about to give you the most raw look on these disorders as I can. I am a sufferer of both anorexia and bulimia.
In our society, thin is in. The media puts such heavy importance on being a size 0, showing off their malnourished celebrities in movies, magazines, and television. We see these celebrities as being "perfect" because everyone loves them. We assume that the reason they are where they are on the social ladder is because of how thin they are. A star walks down the red carpet in a skimpy dress and commentators exclaim "Oh how gorgeous! She's looking so thin tonight!". We're on the other side of that t.v with a plate of spaghetti, wishing that we cold just go crawl in a hole.
Let's face it..most guys like thin girls. Should it be different? Yes. Knowing that most guys are like this fuels a girl's desire to be thin like a celebrity. Romance plays a huge factor in eating disorders. Most girls feel like the only way they can get a guy is if they look like a celebrity. We spend hours on our hair and make up, finding clothes that flatter our bodies, and slipping our feet into ridiculous high heels just to please the opposite sex. We also spend years of our live battling our weight.
The thing is, all women's bodies are different. I, for example, carry most of my weight around my thighs and have to be at a very unhealthy weight for them to look as thin as I'd like. Some girls carry weight around their hips and have skinny legs. Some girls have chubby arms but are twigs otherwise. There is not a perfect body, we are all different and beautiful, it's not our faults how our bodies choose to carry weight!
Still, with factors such as the media, family life, and desire to be thin..some girls (and boys) develop eating disorders. It may start out as just a simple diet, cutting down the calories and getting in more exercise..but somewhere in some of our brain's, a tiny switch is flipped. We find ourselves cutting down more on calories and obsessing over what we eat. One bite of a candybar means 200 more crunches and a hamburger means 3 days of fasting. We see results and want more. We start sleeping in later to avoid the urge of breakfast and drinking large amounts of water to fill ourselves.
Let me try to explain my story.
About 2 years ago I lived with my mother and sister. My parents had just recently gotten divorced and y mother had Chronic Fatigue (a disease that makes your whole body achy and tired). I was stressed out of my mind and began self-harming as sort of a way to punish myself. I had a strong desire to starve myself, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Whenever I got depressed I would binge and binge trying to make myself feel better. One night after arguing with my mother about the divorce, I attempted an overdose. I was sent to the hospital where my stomach was pumped and then I was placed in the Adolescent Mental Care Program (the mental hospital). I was severely depressed and wouldn't talk to anyone. I ate only half of the meals that they gave me (and most of the time it was a struggle to even eat that much).
When I was released 3 weeks later I had lost 7 pounds. I felt rejuvenated and I didn't want to stop there. I began starving myself, skipping meals and staying up until 3 a.m doing crunches. After a while I was sent to live with my dad, who didn't even mind me skipping my meals. I soon dropped down from 125 to 92 pounds.
But this is when my plan backfired.
I got terrible hunger pains in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, occasionally going to the bathroom and laying on the cool tiled floor to help me relax. Often it felt as if I were dead. I would lay in my bed staring at the ceiling most of the day, having no energy to even sit up. At times, I wold starve myself in weekly periods.
I lost most of by body fat and dark circles formed around my eyes, my spine and rips stuck out and my hip bones protruded. I was so proud of myself.
One night while my father was away, the hunger pains were too much..I craved for food, my mind was racing. I lived next to a convenient store at the time so I took a $20 bill and headed down there. I got 3 cartons of ice cream and a couple bags and chips and cookies. Upon returning home I ate my first carton of ice cream and some chips before I realized what I had done. I started crying uncontrollably, I wanted to kill myself. I knew that I would gain so much weight if I didn't get rid of it. I bent over the toilet, stuck two fingers down my throat..and like magic it all came up after a few times of prodding. I was amazed. "I can eat like this and still be thin?" I thought. I had found my savior. Bulimia.
I continued with this behavior every night and pretty soon I would do it every time my dad was gone too. I'd walk down to the store and get ice cream and pizza, cookies, cakes, anything. I remember once bringing home a german chocolate cake and eating the whole thing with my hands.
Of course, my dad found out..and to make a long story short I was sent to the same hospital again. They didn't make me eat more..just monitored me afterwards. I started binging a lot when I got home, but my body felt so weak at this point from all the damage I'd done..that throwing up was like running the mile. It took so much energy. Many times I passed out by the toilet trying to throw up from exhaustion. This made me gain about 9 pounds, and I was furious.
Me and my dad moved a few months later, far away from my lovely convenient store. There was a grocery store about 20 minutes away though, and I found myself walking through wind, sleet or snow to get my binge food. At this point it had been about a year since my eating disorders started and I was binging and purging at least 18 times a day.
Sometime in April of 07 I was sent to a Eating Disorder hospital in Omaha after my dad found me passed out by the toilet. I stayed there for almost 2 months and was put on a weight gain plan. When I was released I was 115 pounds, ideal for my height. I was made to eat 1,800 calories a day and had to be watched every meal. After about 3 months of this I went back to throwing up. I couldn't lose weight as well anymore, my body had been through far too much. I became suicidal once again and began self harming. Things continued like this for a long time.
Just recently I've been having heart problems are irregular heart beats. About a month or two ago I had a heart episode (sort of like a heart attack). The lining of my esophagus is deteriorating and often bleeds when I throw up. I have to get 3 teeth drilled because they are rotting on the inside. Acid from the vomit gets stuck on them and basically eats away at them. I cannot run for more than a minute, and during my school mile I passed out and was sent to the hospital where I was put on fluids for 3 hours. Sometimes when I get worked up my chest hurts. I still struggle with eating and starving myself and my bulimia always seems to be getting worse. I am 105 pounds right now. The life I lived with my anorexia was never glamorous..I could barely move, let alone show off my new body in some skimpy little dress.
Eating disorders are not beautiful,
THIS IS WHAT EATING DISORDERS ARE:
Mmmm..how hot are those feeding tubes? Sooo sexy!
This is where you are ending up with your eating disorder (trust me..)
Not so "chic" now is it?
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"Bulimia kills. It causes a range of chemical imbalances in the body which trigger cardiac arrest (stopping the heart) or brain damage.
Bulimia can also cause gastric rupture (rupture of the stomach), leading to death. Lung collapse, internal bleeding, stroke, kidney failure, liver failure; pancreatitis and perforated ulcers. Depression and suicide are a high cause of fatality in bulimics. The affects of binging and purging on an unborn child are brutal and irreversible."
This is the reality of eating disorders. This is what life is like with those who suffer immensely.
You will not be happy with anorexia or bulimia. THIS is what you get from anorexia and bulimia: Malnutrition
Dehydration
Electrolyte imbalance (Can lead to cardiac arrest, which can also result in brain damage by stroke.)
Hyponatremia
Damaging of the voice
Vitamin and mineral deficiencies
Teeth erosion and cavities, gum disease
Sialadenosis (salivary gland swelling)
Potential for gastric rupture during periods of binging
Esophageal reflux
Irritation, inflammation, and possible rupture of the esophagus
Laxative dependence
Peptic ulcers and pancreatitis
Emetic toxicity due to ipecac abuse
Swelling of the face and cheeks, especially apparent in the lower eyelids due to the high pressure of blood in the face during vomiting.
Callused or bruised fingers
Dry or brittle skin, hair, and nails, or hair loss
Lanugo
Edema
Muscle atrophy
Decreased/increased bowel activity
Digestive problems that may be triggered, including Celiac, Crohnโs Disease
Low blood pressure, hypotension
Orthostatic hypotension
High blood pressure, hypertension
Iron deficiency
Anemia
Hormonal imbalances
Hyperactivity
Depression
Insomnia
Amenorrhea
Infertility
High risk pregnancy, miscarriage, still-born babies
Diabetes
Elevated blood sugar or hyperglycemia
Ketoacidosis
Osteoporosis
Arthritis
Weakness and fatigue
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Cancer of the throat or voice box
Liver failure
Kidney infection and failure
Heart failure, heart arrhythmia, angina
Seizure
Paralysis
Potential death caused by heart attack or heart failure; lung collapse; internal bleeding, stroke, kidney failure, liver failure; pancreatitis, gastric rupture, perforated ulcer, depression and suicide. 
So is it worth it? Is it worth risking death every day to be thin? Every time I throw up I run the risk of cardiac arrest. Do you want your life to be like that?
Please, there are healthier ways of losing weight! Don't put yourself in danger that is almost irreversible.
Anyone out there who is suffering from an eating disorder..please find help. There are many great clinics and hospitals for recovery. You can be happy again.
Please, recommend this post. Show it to people you care about. Don't let anorexia and bulimia claim more lives. If we help people now while it's still early then the chances of them recovering are very great.
As always, best of luck to all of you..and stay healthy.
EDIT: Wow guys. I just wanted to say thank you for all of the recommends and comments! I'm really glad to see people sharing their own stories too. I wrote this blog in hopes it would reach out to people and make them realize that these disorders are very real and serious. I'm touched by all the nice things people have said, and even though there has been a clash in opinions..I'm glad to know that people have thoughts they want to share about this.
Thank you all so very much! I'm trying to respond to all of your comments =)
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Even yourself!
I wish you the best in recovering and will always be here for you if you need me.